Too broken?

Do you ever just feel like you’re too broken to ever be “fixed”. I recently caught a wave of that. A big one. And yes, I put “fixed” in quotation marks because fixing is not what I need. It’s how the feeling showed up though. That feeling of an insurmountable pile of wounds that is dumped on top of you. That feeling that you’re being crushed by everything that happened to you.

No need to worry, I’m okay. Just putting into words how I still feel at times despite having healed more than I could ever have imagined. I guess that’s something to work on sooner rather than later.

Seems like I’m subconsciously still striving for perfection when it comes to my mental health. I thought I’d worked through that already. Not yet. Looks like it needs another round. A quick one.

The good thing is that when you know what you’re doing, each round – as I like to call them – gets shorter. It’s not as worrisome as it used to be. It’s something you know will help. It can take as little as 15 minutes. It can get super intense depending on what you’re working on.

I used to look at that as a step back, as a failure.

Until I learned that it’s part of healing.

Forward is the only way I’m moving. That’s the general direction - yet healing is anything but linear. I’m leaving baggage that is no longer needed or useful by the wayside. Writing this made me remember hearing about people walking the Camino de Santiago and leaving rocks or other items at the Cruz de Ferro. I guess it feels a bit like that.

Figuring out what is no longer needed is not an easy task. A lot of the time you have to let go of things or people that helped you survive. Habits that are no longer helpful. People you realize were toxic instead of heroes. Walls you built up around yourself that need to be torn down now. The world out there is scary without that protective shield.

Letting go of what has protected you from harm when you needed it, how do you even do that? I mean I know how, but I need people to realize just how difficult that is. Whether you are going through it yourself or watching a loved one go through that. Know that this is what’s happening. Literally trying to let your guard down while your kid brain is still trying to protect a small child. It takes a lot of gentleness, a lot of self-compassion, a lot of energy - a lifetime of healing.

On this World Mental Health Day, I’d like to encourage us all to look how far we’ve come.

We got this! Gentle hugs.